Seen and Not Heard
When I was younger, I always classified myself as an extrovert. I thought I liked talking to people, being involved in all kinds of clubs and organizations, and constantly wanted to have multiple conversations going on at once across a multitude of social media apps. I never truly felt like I was as popular as I thought I wanted to be since I was always seen as the smart girl in school, and we all know there’s an unspoken ceiling to just how cool you can be with that title.
Over time, I grew to just accept my natural place in social settings, preferring to listen instead of speak and always paying attention to those discrete social cues that so many people tend to easily miss. It manifested itself in my perpetual habit of downplaying major events like graduations and birthdays, since I could never bring myself to shake the sting of disappointment when celebrations didn’t live up to my young expectations.
In high school, I definitely felt like the odd girl out, so I took solace in playing video games, reading books like a madwoman, and writing my thoughts, dreams, and aspirations down like my brain would combust if I didn’t get them down onto paper. I was, and have always been, an intellect and appreciative of the art of the written word, which is probably why I’m actively maintaining my blog.
It took time to break that feeling of never belonging, and I even felt it during my freshman year of college. That was when I was still relying on old habits from my adolescence to get me through unknown and oftentimes confusing situations. I didn’t start going out with friends until the end of my first semester, I was still a nerd technically, and I lived my life on a routine.
I grew a decent amount of friends during my college years, but my very best one that I gained was my husband. He’s taught me a lot about being a woman, taking care of my business, and working hard to be a better person, no matter how difficult it might be in the moment. We’re going on three years of marriage and seven years of being together, and I can honestly say he’s made the biggest impact on my life.
When I was a little girl, I always thought I wanted to be a wife with a huge family who hosted holidays and was always involved in something or another. I wanted to be in the hustle and bustle, making waves, and doing all the cliche things that people see on social media and TV, but I didn’t take my evolving personality into consideration. I never even questioned if those “goals” would actually work well for me.
One of my earliest memories is hearing one of my aunts say “children are meant to be seen and not heard” when I tried interjecting myself into her conversation at a young age. I didn’t realize just how much the phrase would have an impact on my life, but it definitely explains why I am not a social butterfly that can talk everyone’s head off. Instead of always trying to give my two cents, I decided to use my ears to flow through conversations.
Over time, that reclusiveness has naturally gotten exacerbated. My personality morphed from me discreetly interjecting myself into social situations to choosing to avoid any that I can. If it can be solved with a text, email, or chat, I’m trying those routes well before I attempt picking up the phone and speaking to another human. I think I finally have to admit that I’m more introverted than extroverted.
I’m truly not a yapper. I can’t just come up with a riveting topic with a total stranger that will keep both parties engaged, small talk is a necessary evil in my eyes, and I don’t want to share exorbitant amounts of personal details with people who I’m not close with. I don’t really seek out conversations unless I’m cool with a person, but strangely enough, I’ll always give a warm smile and be engaging if someone speaks to me first.
I can also tell when my social battery gets drained. Usually I’m zooted during any social interaction, but as soon as it’s over, I need a moment to catch my breath. It happens a lot at work and I’ve noticed that my least favorite days are when everyone is in the office at one time. I’m definitely an independent worker and I always have been. Group projects were such a nightmare for me back in the day.
I’m friendly, nice, and warm, but I also need my space, have a small friend group, and spend most of my time at home. It’s complicated appeasing both sides at the same time, but I’ve found that my favorite person in the whole wide world is the only one who can consistently breathe life and energy into me.
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Signed,
Jessica Marie
